Wikiality:Sound Advice/Archive/February 2007
=Week of 2/25/2007= Timmy Posted By User:No1likesme Author's Comments Timmy does not take criticism well. Suggestions for "Timmy" It seems this page is random, why should this page stay? Is there some explanation for why it is on this site?--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 07:00, 1 March 2007 (UTC) I don't "get it" either. My gut says we need to feed Timmy to the bears. '--Alethic Logic 15:31, 1 March 2007 (UTC)' I suggest moving this to your userpage. It's not all bad; I like the idea and the pic, but I have no clue who Timmy the squirrel is. If you are introducing something that hasn't been mentioned by Colbert, it needs to be of the highest quality and in line with the Colbert Experience. Also, if you want it to be read by Stephen, try posting it to Integrity Justice.--MC Esteban 20:40, 1 March 2007 (UTC) :Apparently "Timmy" refers to this (where's the yawn icon). '--Alethic Logic 22:23, 1 March 2007 (UTC)' ::Fair enough, but where does it say any of that on this article? If this page is supposed to be about the alleged "kidnapping" it doesn't do that.--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 20:27, 4 March 2007 (UTC) :::I think it's pretty much some 14-year-old hoping someone will pick up on the theme he's created. Basically randomness in my view. I don't see it going anywhere or belonging here. And I don't intend to be too critical - the author definitely has some creativity, but I don't see the relevance here. '--Alethic Logic 20:39, 4 March 2007 (UTC)' Pyramids Posted By User:Aaronak Author's Comments I was asked to submit this article for some Sound Advice, which I'm always willing to accept. Suggestions for Pyramid Nice overall, a lot of info: you cover the different types of pyramids that there are...but...in your introduction, you stated that, "pyramids have been the subject of much myth and speculation". Then without telling us what those myths are or what the speculations have been, you jump right to describing the different types there are. Please put something in your article about the myths and speculations; don't tease your readers, we now need to know about pyramid myths and speculation...--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 04:02, 1 March 2007 (UTC) =Week of 2/18/07= Land Lion I most humbly submit my first effort at adding much-needed Truthiness to the Wild Wild World of Web. WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer told me about this peer review thing, so rest assured that if your criticism crushes my spirit, I'll only blame him/her. :I hope I also get credit if this thing gets a Pulitzer.--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 02:52, 26 February 2007 (UTC) ::I'm sure I could drop your name during my acceptance speech, though obviously the bulk of the speech will involve giving Stephen his due recognition for inspiring my work. --Penh 00:32, 27 February 2007 (UTC) =Week of 2/11/07= Gitmo North Submitted by: --OHeL 14:32, 17 February 2007 (UTC) Suggestions for Gitmo North You have a good number of sections, and a nice picture (If I must say so myself!) A few suggestions, nonetheless: * The History section is 2 sentences. There should be more. * Don't assume your readers know what you're talking about: ** you mention Hugh Segal but as an American I don't know why mentioning him is funny. ** sadly we know who Howie Mandel is ** how was it different before Conservatives took back Canada? ** You say "These certificates give Canadian authorities extraordinary powers of detention" but never mention what some of those things are This page is very close to being ready to vote on.--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 18:58, 22 February 2007 (UTC) Reply from OHeL I've incorporated many of the changes suggested. Based on today's news item on Hugh Segal (see article), Hugh Segal has changed from "funny" to "ironic". Interesting... when I was using The Google to research some of the stuff I added today, the Gitmo North article came up in the search results. Kinda cool... ! --OHeL 00:35, 23 February 2007 (UTC) Suggestions My main question here is one of tone. This piece feels "important," and I would like to see it featured, but I feel that it needs more funny. Right now it feels a tinge more bitter irony than true satire; if I ran across it at random I might be tempted to tag it Too Liberal and/or Too Facty. I think the main "fix" is just to bump up the "luxury resort" theme more. It's put forth in the beginning, and sort of used as your framing device, but I feel you could push it a lot further. If you give your "author" the position of someone who is describing the "luxuries" (rather than the "outrages") of Gitmo North, I think you have more places to go. You don't have to do a lot of rewriting - maybe you can just think about how you would tweak what's already there if you were writing this for a tourist website or a travel brochure? Some small twist that will help you unify the "voice" of the piece and pump up the satire a bit. Like WatchTV, I also feel that this is close to being "Feature Material." I'm just suggesting a bit of a polish so a little less of "you" comes through.--thisniss 16:50, 24 February 2007 (UTC) Death of a Salesman Submitted by: --OHeL 14:32, 17 February 2007 (UTC) Suggestions for Death of A Salesman There isn't much more to add to this page to make it complete: * go to the Internet Broadway database and use that as a guide for others things you might want to add. * check out Spark Notes for some academic-sounding filler so that some poor sap googling "Death of a Salesman" might accidentally get your page to use for his homework! Nice overall, but needs a little heft.--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 18:45, 22 February 2007 (UTC) Reply from OHeL *I remembered Our Glorious Stephen saying to Lance Armstrong "In America, you're a winner until you lose" on the Feb. 14th edition so I made that the main quote of the article. I feel that really tied the article into the "Colbert Experience" nicely. *I also added a paragraph and "Did you know..." factoid on the American Dream. --OHeL 03:36, 28 February 2007 (UTC) Bum I've submitted my Bum for your attention. '--Alethic Logic 01:31, 17 February 2007 (UTC)' Suggestions for Bum I love the quiz! Okay, I am reviewing these upside-down, (I reviewed Hands before Bum) therefore, the suggestions for "Hands" would apply here as well. Bum is a common "object" making this hard to write. Adapt some of the suggested sections from Hands to Bum: * don't assume readers know what one is * reduce the reliance on lists * the bum in history Good luck--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 18:36, 22 February 2007 (UTC) Hands Need some helping Hands here. '--Alethic Logic 01:33, 17 February 2007 (UTC)' Suggestions for Hands Very fun page and I'm sorry I didn't review it earlier. But, it's just 2 lists, no? Whenever you write one of these pages, don't assume your readers know anything about the subject. You have to write it as if writing for an alien from another planet. * Some section suggestions: ** Where can one find the hand? (on the body, elsewhere...) ** Using the hand to prove humans didn't come from apes ** I thought there was supposed to be a link to God's Hand? ** The hand throughout history Pages about the most common objects are the hardest to write, good luck--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 18:27, 22 February 2007 (UTC) :OK, I've given it some effort. Please have another look if you care to... '--Alethic Logic 03:06, 1 March 2007 (UTC)' Reply to Additions Ugh. You used the term "Pre-history History" did you mean to say "Biblical Times" because I was taught that at my school that there was nothing before that. Also, you seem to imply that "somehow" animals had one form of hand, then some animals "evolved" other types. Call me a traditionalsit, excuse me, but didn't God originally design them with those different types of hands without having to change His original design? Still reading...--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 03:46, 1 March 2007 (UTC) Pimp Please check out the merchandise at the Pimp page. '--Alethic Logic 01:36, 17 February 2007 (UTC)' Suggestions for Pimp It seems a little "list-y"; maybe a little more than a quick, short sentence for each section. Also, feature articles cannot contain red links, there are a few red links in this article.--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 18:03, 22 February 2007 (UTC) =Week of 02/04/07= Colbert's Laws of Existence (the page formerly known as IraqknowphobiaThis page has been nominated for Wikiality.com Featured Word. You can continue to leave suggestions, comments, etc. for this article on Peer Review.) Posted By User:OHeL Suggestions I love the idea! But, I wonder if the other idea you came up with, "Colbert's Laws of Existence" should be the main focus of the page and Iraqknowphobia would be a subsection of it? Isn't Our Glorious Stephen more important than this fictional place called "Iraq"? Also, another candidate for "Word of the Day"???--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 19:43, 10 February 2007 (UTC) I'd wear a tee shirt with this definition on it. '--Alethic Logic 18:44, 11 February 2007 (UTC)' Good suggestions. As I mentioned before, I'm new here and I'm using my gut rather than bothering to read instructions on how to properly create or edit the Wiki pages. If you could create a page called "Colbert's Law of Existence" (I've had problems creating pages with %spaces% in the past), I will move the content over to that page and change the focus. --OHeL 21:42, 10 February 2007 (UTC) :Okay, all moved. Keep posting the truthiness, citizen!--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 21:47, 10 February 2007 (UTC) ::Well done! A few quibbles however (naturally, have I ever looked at a page wihtout a few qubbles?) ::1. God created the earth 6,000 years ago, yet you didn't mention that anywhere. Weren't you homeschooled like the rest of us? ::2. there is a page for that heathen Stephen Pinker (even though he doesn't deserve one), so you can link to him (oh, and his mother is riding on Stephen's mother's coattails by putting the "ph" in his otherwise gay name, so you need to change the spelling for it) ::3. In the same section with that heathen Stephen Pinker, you state: "Dr. Colbert stated that "if a ball rolls behind the couch, it is gone." He then proved the Laws by promptly covering his eyes with his hands, which immediately made Dr. Pinker disappear to him. (Emphasis added) ::You are saying Pinker only disappeared to Stephen. I distinctly remember Pinker disappearing when Dr. Colbert said he did. Are you saying you were still able to see him, even after Dr. Colbert told you he disappeared? ::4. The next section, "The Laws in Action", should include other examples: The Emperor's Clothes, Africa, etc. ::I think you should also keep Iraqknowphobia, it really is a good idea. Nice work, citizen!--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 23:13, 10 February 2007 (UTC) The Orifice Posted By User:RedManiac Suggestions You say, "the title was changed because they wanted as many sexual references as possible." but only mention one episode when they did that. also, you mention only one episode. Expand it a little: * give a brief synopsis for each character * mention a few more episodes * keep the sexual innuendo theme going, it is mentioned only once and then it isn't sustained...oops, sorry, I couldn't resist...--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 19:52, 10 February 2007 (UTC) Jew Testament/The LawThis page has been nominated for Featured Article voting. You can go here to vote, and/or continue to leave suggestions, comments, etc. for this article on Peer Review. Posted By User:Aaronak Author's Comments Basically, I summarized the Torah, with an emphasis on the truthier parts of the story. Open to suggestions. :Thanks for the ideas; I've made some changes and added a couple of pictures. Suggestions :Very good overall. The author of this page is obviously an it-getter prodigy. :There are, however, a few minor quibbles... # Noah drinks too much alcohol ## it is my understanding that Noah didn't drink too much, he drank some alcohol and the liberal media blew it out of proportion # The name of Jacob's son. ## Is the name "Techinicolor"? Or is he in Techinicolor? Or both? # the Ten Plagues, only 6 of which are named (frogs, hail, bears, damned dirty apes, NAMBLA and that 1st son thing) # the biggest issue I have with this page, you start off with "The story starts a little less than 6000 years ago" ## we cannot allow a featured page to make such a blasphemous claim. ## if the Bible says the earth is exacly 6,000 years old, you must explain this discrepancy. # Oh, the second biggest thing, no mention of The Baby Jesus :Items which need pages of their own (but perhaps others can help) ::* tree of Facts ::* Social Security :Otherwise, I will anxiously be waiting to vote "Yes" to feature this page.--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 22:29, 9 February 2007 (UTC) Suggestions I think this page is very, very close to being "Feature" material. Here are my concerns, all relatively quick fixes: # Appearance: Right now, it's a bunch of big blocks of text. There has to be a way to make the page a bit more attractive, less blocky, and more visually engaging. Perhaps a picture or two? Perhaps a "Factoid" or "All You Need To Know" box, or a well place Quote Template to break up some of the text chunks? # While it's clear that you are an it-getter, there are also times when this page reads a little too "insider" for me. An example: You use "Adam and Not Steve" and then "Not Steve" as a proper name, but you never give us the context of "Adam and Eve" against which "Adam and Not Steve" makes sense. While it might be fair to assume that your audience knows what you mean by "Not Steve," I feel that you could assure this very easily with the minor edit "God created... Adam and Eve (Not Steve)...". This clues everyone into the joke, and ensures that your audience isn't spending their time trying to figure out what "Not Steve" is about. I feel like it also makes your subsequent references to "Not Steve" funnier. ## Taking this as the example, I would work back through and see if there are other places where you might need to tweak just a little to clarify the narrative. Not to give up on the jokes, but to set them up better. ## Also on the "inside jokey" front, but in a different direction: there are a few "meme" bits that don't really add anything to the page from my perspective. I could live without ever seeing another reference to Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer. They don't hurt the page, necessarily. They just don't lift it at all and they make it seem less original than it is as a whole. Aren't there better candidates for spies with balls? Perhaps someone from Stephen's "Bring 'em Back" list? Ronald Reagan? Lincoln? I don't know who, necessarily, but somebody more deserving of Biblical canonization. # A minor timeline detail: the bears didn't make it on the ark, but they survived to become on of the plagues? How did that happen? (I mean, I know they're evil, but... ) This just seems like an unnecessary complication. Cut one of the references or explain (briefly) how this works. # Internal linking: you've got a good number of links right now, all of them important and logical choices. I don't want to see you over-link, but I think there are a few things that you can still link in the piece - particularly any word that is a "Wørd" (e.g. "embolden") or any other concept that seems a critical piece of The Stephen Colbert Experience. I don't think there are more than a couple of these in the article. All in all, this is really strong and really near completion. I look forward to giving it a "Yes" vote soon!--thisniss 05:52, 23 February 2007 (UTC) D&D Posted By User:St catty Suggestions Hmm...the list of "facts" in the middle is what bothers me most about this otherwise interesting page. The list itself is fine, but that there is nothing in addition to it. The "Slightly More Startling Freedom Fracts" section should be renamed to something about the internets version. Also, since it is a game, where are the rules? How about an example of how it is played? Maybe a short dramatization of a game being played? (But not too much like the comic, to avoid copyright issues, etc.) When discussing the game, please show basic rules/guidelines (some suggestions): * how many people can play * can it be played online or do you have to play it in someone's basement? * what equipment/materials do you need to play it? * do you have to wear costumes? ** what do people wear is they choose to wear costumes? * what other activities do people who play DnD participate in? (RenFaires?) * what the hell is "Magic, The Gathering"? * how is someone suckered into this life of depravity? * oh, yeah, how did the game begin? (what is its history?) These are, of course, suggestions.--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 22:47, 9 February 2007 (UTC) American'tsThis page has been nominated for Wikiality.com Featured Word. You can continue to leave suggestions, comments, etc. for this article on Peer Review. Posted By User:Winky Suggestions This page seems complete to me, but too short to qualify as a full fledged "Featured". Perhaps this page can be featured on the main page as a "Wikiality.com Word of the Day" but not as a full "Feature"?--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 22:51, 9 February 2007 (UTC) :Is there a way to nominate American'ts as a "Wikiality.com Word of the Day"? --Winky 14:58, 12 February 2007 (UTC) ::Yes, go to the Wikiality.com Featured Word page. Louis Riel Posted by User:OHeL Suggestions I think the frist thing that needs to be addressed is the truthiness of the article (or lack thereof (See:wikipedophilia)). While most of the writing was very good, I dont see how this relates to Our Glorious Stephen or The Colbert Experience. I think some truthification is just what this article needs to get back on track. --ColbertNationEditor 01:36, 8 February 2007 (UTC) I'm new to the Colbert Experience and I'm just using my gut as I go. I figured that since the Louis Riel page was a stub, it was already blessed by the Baby Jesus with an element of divine truthiness. Any suggestions on how I could improve the article by finding a link to The Colbert Experience? Is there some type of Yellowcake template out there that can do this for me? --OHeL 11:58, 9 February 2007 (UTC) :More Suggestions :Since he is Canadian and most of the readers of this site are American, we have no idea who he is and why he is important you cannot assume anyone knows anything about him, if a non-American can be important at all to an American. :With that in mind... # when writing a biographical article, the very first sentence should tell the reader why the person is noteworthy. # the rest of the article should sound like a book report or some other thing that tells us the noteworthy events in the person's life. ## when he was born ## did he interact with any other famous people, or was he the most famous person of his time? ## did he have an education? # try dividing his life into 2 "eras", before the noteworthy thing mentioned in the beginning, and after the noteworthy thing ## a little snippet about what life was like during his "time". For instance if you were writing about Alexander Graham Bell (inventor of the telephone) you would describe how people communicated before his invention and then how the telephone made it easier for pervs to go about their filthy, filthy business, etc.--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 18:34, 10 February 2007 (UTC) Sea Lions Posted By User:Winky Suggestions This page feels like the beginning sketch of what could turn into something very interesting, but right now it's asking the reader to fill in all the gaps. You need to explain to us more about the history of Baird vs. the Sea Lions. When did this animosity begin? Why? Is there some particular reason that being high on meth lead Baird to target the Sea Lions? What's everybody got against Sea Lions, anyway? Once you have figured out the overall story you're trying to tell, you should also review the Common Mistakes Beginners Make page for hints on formatting, tone, etc. The opening could use some attention to SPG, and it does start off a bit random before moving into the "story." But I think this is a good idea, and hope to see you flesh it out more. It's about time someone exposed the nature-attacking ways of liberal Congressmen.--thisniss 04:02, 8 February 2007 (UTC) Squirrel Posted By User:Cleder perez Author's Comments Open to suggestions... Suggestions Ok, well first off there are some SPG mistakes. It was a good idea, but seems a little off track. The tone of it is always bouncing around and never really settles into a groove. I think a good once over in that respect would really help it. (Try to keep focus with where you want the article to go). Also, I noticed a few formatting issues (A line here, a level 2 headline where it called for a level 3). Also, check some of your facts (ie. Squirrels arn't leading the Bears....the bears are in charge! The noes! lol). Accually, aside from being so all-over-the-place, it was a fun read. But it needs alot of fine tuning. --ColbertNationEditor 21:55, 6 February 2007 (UTC) :I agree with "Editor" that the page needs some focus, but maybe all you need is a little re-ordering of the sections? :* after the intro, try using the "Species" section first :* then, go into detail about each of the different species, using info from the other sections to describe them :* there are only 2 pictures, and one of them is a singing whore, maybe people can help make some pictures (one for each different species?) :The way you have it now is good, but with a little tweaking of the order, you can focus it a little more.--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 22:05, 6 February 2007 (UTC) The Democratic Alliance of Koalas Nominator User:ColbertNationEditor Author Comments This is a newly add page, created to fill in multible gaps in a few other pages. I'm completely open to any Ideas or suggestions that could help improve this page. --ColbertNationEditor 20:47, 4 February 2007 (UTC) Suggestions * I have a problem with the name, The Greatest President Ever cannot pronounce the real name of the Democratic Party, so why should these guys name be spelled that way? If you change the name, I will move the page. * minor SPGs about * The first sentence has a negative in it: "not". ("The Democratic Alliance of Koalas (also known as DAK), is a not a new addition to the bear military.") You should always start the page off by telling your readers what your subject is, not what it is not. Perhaps if you said it is the oldest known Bear alliance still in existence? * I don't know if giving a specific era for the alliance's formulation (late 1970's), especially one so recent, makes it sound "forced". (I'm not sure if that's what I'm looking for, but it seems "off" somehow) Perhaps if you gave it a longer history, but instead of being specific hint at the possibiity. Or at least mention other failed bear alliances and why this one stuck around? * Koalas are found in Australia, no? Why no mention of Australia? Or some parallel history (Life of Brian) similar to Nixon and panda bears? Did Olivia Newton John bring them over? Is she part of the plot? Otherwise, nicely done. Minor quibbles and just suggestions.--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 18:50, 10 February 2007 (UTC) Footnotes Fundamental Christianity Author's Comments I feel like I've gotten a good start, but I need some more help. Fundamental Christianity. Suggestions :Very sound fundamental foundation, ha! I made a joke! Excuse me, you start with a short succinct opening, and then fill in every section with one short sentence. Try to expand each section by answering the heathen questions all reporters ask: who, what, where, when and why. :For instance: The "History" section currently says: "When Jesus went to heaven, he told his followers to let snakes bite them, dance around, and to speak in "tongues". He told the women to wear their hair long, wear long dresses, and to not wear makeup. These truthy Christians are now known as Pentecostals." Now, see if that information answers any of the 5 questions: :who started Fundamental Christianity? :what is it? :where did it start? :when did it start? :and why did it start? :Try to do that for each section. It doesn't have to be some long, drawn-out thing, just make sure there is enough information that it doesn't look empty. :Remember, this is an online encyclopedia that some child may read for a book report, you can never assume the poor child knows this (even though we are obviously all Christians and have Accepted The Lord Jesus Christ As Our Personal Lord and Savior) we might get a few lazy liberals wandering in here who don't know Jesus and your page may save their souls even as they flunk out of school!--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 22:12, 3 February 2007 (UTC) Colts Author's Comments I'm trying to provide a counterpart for the Chicago Bears entry, but am having trouble giving Dr. Colbert his proper due. Suggestions :I added a few sections. You can fill them in, or make up your own, but the page desperately needs some heft. Just remember to review the Common Mistakes Beginners Make page on how to avoid wikipedophilia.--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 20:50, 3 February 2007 (UTC) Nutella Suggestions Nice pic, but w-a-a-y too random. Please check out the Common Mistakes Beginners Make page first, please.--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 20:42, 3 February 2007 (UTC) Fozzie Bear Author's Comments Can an admin add Fozzie to the bearology. :Please review the Common Mistakes Beginners Make page and make changes first.--WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer 19:11, 2 February 2007 (UTC)